A trailer, stars and poetry
by Katerina Gwen
Summary: This is set towards the end of Requiem when Lena has returned to Alex's old camp in order to stage the final assault on Portland. It is set immediately after Lena learns the unauthorised version of the Story of Solomon therefore the true reason why Alex left. Disclaimer - just the usual none of the characters etc. are mine!


I stumble through the camp no longer in control of body like a puppet being tugged about by a master. I move aimlessly through the camp with no destination or goal. I simply roam restlessly unable to lay my jumbled thoughts to rest.

Every single thought revolves around Alex and the fragile sliver of hope that he may love me still. But underneath the vain hope lies the dismal truth that Alex has gone and he will never know how my heart sings for him.

Lost inside my own internal labyrinth of thoughtsI find myself heading towards the outskirts of the camp. As I walk I feel a strange sense of completion and fulfilment even though inside I am in turmoil. Strangely I feel as if this is where I belong. Like I have come home again.

And then I see it. The dilapidated grey trailer, both shabby and beautiful. My heart flutters disturbing its normal rhythmic pattern. Looking at this tired, dingy trailer I feel filled with despair and the desire to mourn for the life I could have had and dreamed of having. A life where this little metal box was my home where I would form memories filled with love and joy. A life free from rules, regulations and walls. A life in the wilds with him.

Inside the trailer is just as I remember it. In the dim light the bulky shape of books materialize towering above me. Stacks of illegal, unauthorised books filled with evocative words banned by the authorities for fear of them provoking passion and deep emotion thus infecting people with _amor deliria nervosa_.

Simply seeing this place brings with it an aching agony deep in my chest. A yearning for what was lost when Alex sacrificed himself for me. Memories flood my mind burning me from the inside out with unfathomable anguish.

Autumn leaves dancing a waltz with the wind framing his head with a crown of flickering flames. Kissing Alex for the fist time. Endless days at 37 Brooks playing in the grass. Uttering those deadly, magnificent words 'I love you' for the first time. Alex standing beyond a wall of smoke and fire.

Standing there amongst the books, under the stars I let go of everything. I unleash every piece of pain I have buried behind the concrete walls of my chest. I pull down the walls I spent so long creating since entering the Wilds. Because that is what walls are for. We build them to protect ourselves from the deadliest things and then they crumble and collapse. The walls currently standing guard around our cities were built to keep love out. Love the deadliest of all deadly things. And in a sense is that not what I have been doing? I enclosed my love for Alex behind the non-penetrable fortification of my skin. And now it is gushing out of me uncontrollably.

I am weeping and I cannot stop. For I know the truth. Alex loves me. He always has, as I have always loved him. He infected me with _amor deliria nervosa_ and in return I gave him my heart and he never gave it back. I care for Julian but now I understand. I manufactured my feelings in order to help myself cope with the loss of my heart. When Alex immolated himself for me, he took my heart with him. And now I will never get it back again because Alex is gone.

Scanning about the trailer my eyes fall upon a book splayed open upon the bed with the words _Famous Love Poetry_ printed along the spine. As I lift the book delicately from its awkward position a memory floats to the front of my brain. Alex reciting poetry to me. The words drifting through the air like dandelion seeds floating on the breeze.

_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways._

_I love thee to the depth and breadth and height_

_My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight_

_For the ends of Being and ideal Grace._

_I love thee to the level of everyday's_

_Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light._

_I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;_

_I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise._

_I love thee with a passion put to use_

_In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith._

_I love thee with a love I seemed to lose_

_With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath,_

_Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,_

_I shall but love thee better after death._

_(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)_

I loved Alex with my heart and soul. I loved him endlessly. I loved him freely. No walls, rules or even a cure could take that. They cannot take it.


End file.
